If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
