omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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