dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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