I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
