my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
