I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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