I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Come see our sink grown plant.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
