I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
