Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
