my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
handjob tips. give me some.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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