Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
