my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
