Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
