what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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