I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
