I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
