I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
