i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
