How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
