Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
