nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
