Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
