those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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