drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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