Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So squirting runs in the family.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
