i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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