Kareoke will never be a sober sport
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
