He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
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