He passed out mid-signature
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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