I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
