I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
