There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
