There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
