I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
