I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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