At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
