what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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