Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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