We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
