I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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