I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
