I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
