Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Less talking, more tequila
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
