So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
