I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
