Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
