my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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