Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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