we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
