hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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